!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am confused !! i am feeling like shit, i am feeling used.. but i know its not true, but then if thats not true where is he heading tonight and with whom and for what ??
But then i only said do whatever u wish to but come back home.. i only said that now now why am i feeling like this..
Am i not good enough anymore have i got boring.. i am scared i will loose him.. i do everything just because i want him to be happy but by him doing all this its hurting me.. why did i give someone so much space that it gave them the right to hurt me.. i did want to feel the special thing again.. i tried to be with ppl who feel for me but tat was not my place and here i am facing the fucking situation again the same thing happening again i am clueless in life again..
Honestly i wish to be dead cause everything is killing me and also for the fact that i don't have the courage inside me to face the reality.. i cant really do without him.. my hands go to the phone to call him but i should not cause i am trapping him thats what he felt. he also thought i might try to screw his life... how can i when i really wish to spend my life with him how can i think about screwing his life...
He says on phone to his frnd dont tell her i am going there..why not as if i have the rights to stop him..i dont.. Am at work and i swear i cant concentrate i am not able to leave my personal and professional life aside..i chocked my own life..i swaer when it started off it was special and i never in my worst dreams thought i would come to this point. Never did i think i will feel so cheap so used and so unwanted. Does he not feel the same. Does he ever think about me.. Does he ever feel what i feel about him.. The answers are NO and i need to come out of dreams and be back to reality..
But i love him and thats something which i cant throw away.. i promise never again will i ever feel anything about anyone.. it happened once and i made the mistake of making it happen again.. i cheated on myself.. i screwed me.. well i guess i deserve this..
just that i hope someday he feels the way i do and i hope its not late..

life up in smoke..............

As the ciggie burns in my hand i can see my life burning away like that....why am i cramping hi life.. he was supposed to be my best buddy my soul my mirror my reflection why am i asking him to become me....
i know what i am doing i know why i am doing this but honestly i have no control on myself...i cant bear this dirty mind of mine.. i am cribbing like a child to make him be with me but i also know this will make him hate me make him go away...but i cant bear it re.. i cant think straight i cant be normal.. that day i really wished he stayed back i really wished... i needed him i still do but i need to accept that he has a life he has a way of living and i really am bloody no body to make him live the way i want..
i am so insecure about him going away...i wish i had never meet him...but u know what he is my angel and i cant screw his life like this..sometimes i think i shld go away work some other place and maybe that's my solution but if i do this he will be hurt...not maybe i know for sure i will hurt him.. u know i sometimes think infact i know i love him.. i wish to be with him all my life and sometimes i think i shld ask him or at least tell him but i know if i do and he cant reciprocate the same he will feel really bad cause he might think i do this i do that and he aint able to do this for me.. i dont want him to feel guilty about anything anything t all.. i love him more all this... i am sorry...
mujhe nai pata wats in store for us...mujhe nai pata.. i think maine jo kiya hai uska result hai but the fact is i am sorry and i really mean it that i am honest when it comes to dv i cant screw his life.. i need to get away.. today u know what i smsed him smsed him and actually made him agree to come here.. how cud i.. u know what he smsed he will be there in good time and bad... fuck what am i.. some peice of shit... i need to control myself... god help me... as the cigiee burns i dont want to fade away.. somewhere i really wish that we be together but not by screwing his life i want him to be there only if he wants to...

i cn burn but i dnt want to fade away from him....

love u.. i really do...............................................