!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am confused !! i am feeling like shit, i am feeling used.. but i know its not true, but then if thats not true where is he heading tonight and with whom and for what ??
But then i only said do whatever u wish to but come back home.. i only said that now now why am i feeling like this..
Am i not good enough anymore have i got boring.. i am scared i will loose him.. i do everything just because i want him to be happy but by him doing all this its hurting me.. why did i give someone so much space that it gave them the right to hurt me.. i did want to feel the special thing again.. i tried to be with ppl who feel for me but tat was not my place and here i am facing the fucking situation again the same thing happening again i am clueless in life again..
Honestly i wish to be dead cause everything is killing me and also for the fact that i don't have the courage inside me to face the reality.. i cant really do without him.. my hands go to the phone to call him but i should not cause i am trapping him thats what he felt. he also thought i might try to screw his life... how can i when i really wish to spend my life with him how can i think about screwing his life...
He says on phone to his frnd dont tell her i am going there..why not as if i have the rights to stop him..i dont.. Am at work and i swear i cant concentrate i am not able to leave my personal and professional life aside..i chocked my own life..i swaer when it started off it was special and i never in my worst dreams thought i would come to this point. Never did i think i will feel so cheap so used and so unwanted. Does he not feel the same. Does he ever think about me.. Does he ever feel what i feel about him.. The answers are NO and i need to come out of dreams and be back to reality..
But i love him and thats something which i cant throw away.. i promise never again will i ever feel anything about anyone.. it happened once and i made the mistake of making it happen again.. i cheated on myself.. i screwed me.. well i guess i deserve this..
just that i hope someday he feels the way i do and i hope its not late..

life up in smoke..............

As the ciggie burns in my hand i can see my life burning away like that....why am i cramping hi life.. he was supposed to be my best buddy my soul my mirror my reflection why am i asking him to become me....
i know what i am doing i know why i am doing this but honestly i have no control on myself...i cant bear this dirty mind of mine.. i am cribbing like a child to make him be with me but i also know this will make him hate me make him go away...but i cant bear it re.. i cant think straight i cant be normal.. that day i really wished he stayed back i really wished... i needed him i still do but i need to accept that he has a life he has a way of living and i really am bloody no body to make him live the way i want..
i am so insecure about him going away...i wish i had never meet him...but u know what he is my angel and i cant screw his life like this..sometimes i think i shld go away work some other place and maybe that's my solution but if i do this he will be hurt...not maybe i know for sure i will hurt him.. u know i sometimes think infact i know i love him.. i wish to be with him all my life and sometimes i think i shld ask him or at least tell him but i know if i do and he cant reciprocate the same he will feel really bad cause he might think i do this i do that and he aint able to do this for me.. i dont want him to feel guilty about anything anything t all.. i love him more all this... i am sorry...
mujhe nai pata wats in store for us...mujhe nai pata.. i think maine jo kiya hai uska result hai but the fact is i am sorry and i really mean it that i am honest when it comes to dv i cant screw his life.. i need to get away.. today u know what i smsed him smsed him and actually made him agree to come here.. how cud i.. u know what he smsed he will be there in good time and bad... fuck what am i.. some peice of shit... i need to control myself... god help me... as the cigiee burns i dont want to fade away.. somewhere i really wish that we be together but not by screwing his life i want him to be there only if he wants to...

i cn burn but i dnt want to fade away from him....

love u.. i really do...............................................

angel

as they say when u really wish something it happens, i wish he came and he did...... my angel....... my frnd........my bump chum...... my sweetheart......... he is right here in front of me sleeping his ass off.. :D
had a wonderful day today.went out ate the most awesome food totally veg but still i loved it... i so wish i can do it all my life.. i so wish i was associated with him all my life/........

all i wanna say i love u my angel and i really wish u felt the same.....i love u ass......

shld go now agar uth gaya na toh meri toh... :P

love u d. !!!!

5 days to go............

5 days to go...
5 days of being under the same roof for 9 hours, 5 days of saying "can i drop u home??" , 5 days of feeling of being there just a call away in the real sense.... its gonna be over...

How am i feeling ?? i really don't know its kinda botched up i am sad i am frustrated i am feeling lost but yet i am happy i am happy to see the person getting out of this mess and i am happy that the person will be better avenues rather than this blood sucking place... but is my being happy gonna be able to overcome my feeling of this emptiness, i really don't know..

U know in life there are times when we really don't know why is this happening whether the outcome is gonna be in our favor or not but that's the beautiful thing about this mystery not knowing whats in store... Yesterday i saw this movie and there was this situation where the guy is returning back home and when he was thrown out he came to stay with this girl, she hates some of his habits the way he screws up the house, but she always stood by him, got him his job, and he in turn learns to make eggs for her, and at last when his father realizes that he is doing good he calls him back home and loo the guy is on his way back home... not realizing that she is gonna be alone now, not realizing that she does not want him to leave, cause he does not understand what she feels for him..... somewhere i feel the same i feel he is leaving my house and i don't want him to go but he needs to but atleast i hope he does not forget me i hope we can still make it......

Situations are scray i am scraed about things on one side and feels something spl on the other i just hope ma u be with me and help me sail through... Please be with me always...

and hey u boy, have a wonderful life beyond this smelly shity place but dont forget the ppl u lived with dont forget me.........

love u

helppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

wats bloody wrong with me boss.. why am i behaving like a 1st std kid.. mujhe kya pagal kutte ne kaata hai kya.. mujhe kuch samjh nahi aa raha hai..
why the hell expectations yaar.. u know it screws up things mai kyu kar rahi hu yeh sab...

god wats it with me, last 3 - 4 days have been orst boss, i cant handle this, i hate this unseen this not sure feelings. i like being sure yaar.. yeh kya ho raha hai...

i mean this gal who i havent even seen dont have any slightest idea of why am i getting hyper about her, mai kyu insecure ho rahi hu yaar...

there was nothing in the first place to be insecure about cause there is nothing brewing why am i getting so possessive yaar, i dont have anyone to talk to about all this i am really gonna go crazy yaar...

he was never mine so why am i behaving as if he is mine why the fuck, i always said he is my best friend now why am i screwing up the relatioon.. mujhe kya ho raha hai yaar...

god i dont wanna feel like this pls get me out of this plsssss why am i being so insecure , he will be gone tomorrow no matter how hard i try no matter what i think then why am i feeling this today, please get me mind cleared out of all this pls god pls...............................

HaPpY BiRtHdAy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy happy happy birthday............... !!!!!!!!!!

well firstly from the bottom of my heart i wanna wish u a very eventful and a wonderful year ahead.... may all ur wishes come true.. and the smile on our face always remain and may happiness always touch, may god always have his loving care and blessing on you, forever forever and forever........ :)

The plan to celebrate your bday happened all of a sudden and at 10 we had it on our hands now the question was to whisk you away without hurting ur frnds and also with ur consent...

so as it happens my elements leave their hometown in the morning and i from work go to bday boys place and pick him p and go to mac d.. poor boy thinking why on earth has she come all the way from her place to this steel yard to have a burger worth 20 bucks spending 200 bucks on fuel.... :)

so after the burger and chips b boy starts asking wat is it, where are v heading etc so i am sorry my element i had to say half og it to him, i tell him u are coming with guptaji and then the 1st reaction is why are u doing this we might not njoy with him etc and stuff but then when you guys came the smile on his face was awesome he greets you and then walks to guptaji and say the boy talk hello :)

and then we go to his place pick his clothes and off to our destination...

honestly the car helped it really gave us company i swear with the slopes i really did not think we will make it with you oldie but thanks babes you helped us make it, i promise i will love you to death and maintain you...




we reached the hill top and then the gr8 search for a room and finally we got one, it was really beautiful...

it was about 6 when we reached, freshed up and went for a walk to echo point it looked so nice, i wish v could go to our fav place but koi nahi just to be there we will go again... :) clicked pics there and then walked back and the walk back was so serene, we actually had 2 packs befor we went for the walk :P

then we went to kumar for a hokka bloody mila nahi acha hi hua we then went to our room freshened and after bath we sat down for some dudh ki bottle :p

we went on and on and time just flew... and befor we knew it was almost 12 an then i went to the other room cake nikala and lit the candles and came to our room, you were surpirsed right bday boy :) and all high high the candles were blown and then came the ma of all tings the gift, the glasses that i brought by telling you i am buying it for dad ... :) so daddy dearest hope you loved your gift...

the night came and went by, the day eneded but the smile and the happy feeling that happened i hope it lasts forever for you, me and my elemts in tow... :p

then the next morning we came down, thanks my babes (car) she really took care of us and got us down then we went to college, sunday tha sun saan tha and had water just were i met my bestest frnd :D

showed our college and with proudness showed were we played.. :p alag baat hai we also lost a lot of times there :D

we also went to deshmukhs place wish we could stay there... but thats ok we had a wonderful time, met a wonderful person in guptaji and had a rocking group made... :d

just wanna say i hope this will last forever and we will always be there for each other and lastly may all your birthdays be better than the last always :d

love u....

i am sorry...

Please forgive me... i guess you said the truth i never felt the way you did for me... i am sorry.. i screwed it up but i swear i want peace and good things to happen to you always always. please trust me...
i am sorry