trouble in pradise..... please dont blow it

trouble brewing..... not just simply trouble its deep trouble, it need to happen and happen soon as i am loosing my peace of mind and so is he..
He has been in an important meeting and its really very important for him and because of this he is loosing it and its affecting us.. He puts it very pyaar se but i know deep down its scaring him and because of this i cant afford to loose him, i cant...
Please just happen.......................................................

i beg of u............

Hmmm... Wondering wat to pen down.........

DEV D..... that's high on my mind right now, saw the movie fantastic movie, the take on modern day ppl the Y Generation.... i guess we all are somewhere down the heart a DEV D cause we just don't trust ppl.. or do we ??

Abhay deols character was so honest i mean i could relate to it...

dv seems to be so much like dev d.. i mean just like dev d was in love with paro even though he was with chanda who took care who stood by him who was someone he was so comfortable with he still talked at paro his love, does dv talk abt vids.. last night while watching the movie i felt nothing less than a whore even if he is comfortable with me he talks to me about anything under the sun, he thinks i am his best frnd but thats where it stops being frnds even if we have moved far ahead than being just frnds, i swear i felt like a whore.........

i am so much like chanda who loves dev inspite of knowing the fact that he might not love back to be honest i think i have fallen for dv and i love him but i know that fact that he does not, he happens to be with me spends time with m, says he loves me but we love our pet dogs too right.. but i know i am not that spl person and it honestly it breaks my heart,

As the saying goes it breaks your heart to see the person you love not happy with you but there is nothing more painful than not letting the person know what you feel him them, i know it and i want dv to know it but honestly i cant afford to loose his friendship i just cant, he is far too important to be lost for love i cant do it..

Does he really not know that i love him does he really not feel all the spl the way i try and make him feel, does he really not know how important he is to me , does he really not see how much i feel for him.......... i wish he could read between lines and somewhere my heart says he knows it but my brains he does not he cares a damn abt it but my heart says he cares and he knows everything just that he aint telling it, i hope my hearts right.... or maybe its gods way of punishing me for what i did to golu.... i am sorry.....

Dv if u ever realise waht i feel for u and if u dont feel the same pls dont stop talking to me pls... but i hope u feel the same too i swear i will go 8 sizes lesser than what i am soon i know say it but i aint putting any efforts but i swear will do something b4 your birthday you will i swear see a new me and i hope u love me.......................................

take care.. god bless... love u dv

iTs VaLtEnTiNe HoNeY !!!!!!!

well its lunch time...a lot of thoughts banging right through my brains, tomorrow morning i welcome back my parents, i missed them yaar but now i am really gonna miss him........... i lived life with him man, this is the 3rd time that i wanted mom dad to stay back a bit longer and all these 3 times have been him.... am i in love or am i in love with the idea of being with him, i dont know, but whatever it is its special.. its really really special... god i want this special things to be there forever man.. sometimes i think human beings especially me are very selfish, there is this person who says i will be there always dont say no give it a try but i dont feel anything for him am i so stone hearted, but just because i dont wanna hurt him should i stay with him but wat after that i will stray cause i dont wanna be there, am i so wrong if i say i dont wanna be with him i am sorry i cant be there.......

i feel so special with dv i know he does not think of it as a long term bond he is just being there cause he likes being with me but he also know i love being with him, we have our sweet share of fights, we have our share of eye talk its all so cute man..........



last 15 days have been bliss, we ate together, drank together , cooked together, slept together its was about us more than me or him...mornings have been hateful u know get up b4 him so that it makes him get up i mean its so silly but its so cute as well, pick up everything after dinner cause he is too tired to do it, so cute, sit with him while he makes him manual even if ur eyes are closing with dollops of sleep resting on ur lids, so cute... i just love everything about him...

asking in the morning in his language "samayam??" and me trying to think in sleep what is he telling me, so cute....

i am in love i guess but am i right being in love when someone is hurt because of me and honestly i dont wanna get in a relationship now but i wanna be with him, i mean we both like each other understand each other and dont pretend about anything itsnt that the basis of something very strong very pure very sacred very special...

just wanna say i had heard angels always surround us, sanjay has been my angel too but this time around i have been touched by an angel and it made me spacial......

ThAnKs Dv My AnGeL !!!! LoVe YoU.. MuAh...

CoNFuSeD To ThE CoRe... !!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh the month ended and what a month it had been.... i m so god damn confused.. whats wrong with me... i cant be a lovey dovey girl who sees stars in the day just by looking at him.... god just some chemical imbalance in the head i guess.. :)

anyways new year came and went by, the month ended it all happened so very quick yaar...

last night was some night man infact the night before too was rocking too i was so bloody drunk :) phew dont even remember much of it.. :P the stuff plus the hooka plus *$#%!&*( god lethal combination... :)

mom dad i miss u guys but kya karu yaar i am sorry too... but mom dad i really love u guys u are the best ppl who happned to me, love u... Rimpa yaar wish u were here i really miss you yaar... love u bacha...

the week that went by....

well for starters had a roller coaster ride since last week... things that i left far behind are right in front of my face and i cannot shrug it off, i wanna move ahead but its pulling me back.... a lot of screwed past remains and closing my eyes on it is not helping me anymore, i wonder what do i do to get it right, i could not get it right then and i guess now i just have no way to correct it now....

i have taken a lot of stuff and ppl for granted and in a way i got so used to it that i stopped feeling their feeling, today when i look back i see how much pain i have caused them and i should be there for them at their beck and call but hopelessly i just dont feel like doing it within an hour of realising it... have i really turned all that heartless or is it just that i dont care a damn now, i dont know what it is but whatever it is it sucks, i was not supposed to be like this, this is not what i am....

today what makes me or gives me high is something that has no future no name just time based fun and i am letting go of a lifetime security, am i going the right way, i wonder whats in store for me...

heard a lot of ppl say that when u dont know where to go and what to do just leave it in the hands of the lord, i am trying that but how do i know that this is the path shown to me by the lord i mean how do i get the signal ??????????

i need it fast, 27th is coming so fast like a car without brakes running on the highway i need so do something, i cant let go of this nameless shameless things nor can i hurt the possibility of an entire lifetime of someone who will back me be whatever it is and all that person needs is me being there, and i dont want to be there..... god help...

i wanna be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... wat is freedom yaar i wish i knew the definition, i dont know .......

anyways last night siddhart gave us a treat for his new car, beautiful swift.. i kinda knew it that mom will say that he is nice and all, i agree he is nice and he is kind of a guy that mom dad wud love but the fact is that i don't know what i want and what i want to do.... god i wish i had some vision some way i knew somehow what is to be done and in what way without really hurting ppl.......

i know you cant really be good to everyone but bloody my problem is that i am being bad to only one person................ i wish i had some answers some solution, maybe they say it right that when u have no answers leave it to the lord... toh thik hai i need a signal and i hope i am able to read it...

god bless take care... :)

Life, relations and people.........

well just as the title says, i am a bot confused about everything, i mean we say ppl make our life spl and so do relationships but how is it that these so important aspects life and relations depends upon a fragile thing that is people....... how is it that the buildings that make us depends on such a weak base called people... people change and that changes everything.......

i wonder how do feeling change for a person within a span of time.. it happened to me and honesltly i dont know why.. is it that we never really felt that but we made yourselves feel that yes we feel this and once the initial euphoria goes away we get to see the real picture, or is it that over the period of time if thinhs dont go well our feeling do really really chnage.... wat is it??

few days back i heard someone telling me that we should only ask of little "sukh" he compared it to you know loan, the more loan we take the more interest we pay, so take less loan pay less interest... i mean who will decide the amount of sukh being less or more what if for me 10 kgs of sukh is too small and for someone 1 kg of sukh is too big, who will decide how much is litle or how much is more... will we ever find answers to these questions??


feelings, wants, expectations these are things that differ from person to person so how is it that a monk is happy with any wants or expectations and a person who has it all is still not satisfied... wats is it that we want from life...

a frnd of mine a very spl frnd knows what he wants ppl will think he is confused he will talk about change in everything he has and wants and ppl will think he does not know what he wants but i know he knows what he wants and he knows who he needs to go about getting it done leaving everyone around him confused....my aim in talking about him is that why cant i know what i want i mean when will i stop being confused...

i guess confusion tab hoti hai jab you want lots of things or maybe when u want to have the cke and eat it too.... like now i want the frndship and i want the person too... its creates hell in the brains, chemical locha u see..

talking abt stuff toh i dont know i see a lot of change in someone and i dont know what do i do about it, i mean i maybe i am responsible for it pata nahi wat is it, its not the same, hope this new year brings about good things yaar... and also i hope new year brings abt peace for someone whom i went on a rampage to hurt...

life i guess is all about new things and old things in balance the one who achives it goes on and they who dont get stuck, i wanna move with the goodness of life, hope everyone feels the same and then i guess the world will be better place....

and as for people i hope everyone takes the goodness then i guess the base remains strong which helps the relations and life to bear new fruits..............

2008................................2009

First Things First, happy new year, dont know how reads my crap but whoever does wish u a very happy new year..........

well start has been crappy already :) jo socha tha woh hua nahi and jo hua woh socha nahi...
to put the long story in short, it got messed up, i mean i got dv all the way from kgarh and he got no drink no food foolish of me that i could not make it smooth..

anyways feeling really bad sad and foolish about it...

lots to speculate and ponder about 2008... lots of downs and a few ups.. Completed a whole year in my office which i never thought i wud stick around for, sometimes i wonder what did i gain working here yes personal gains i agree but what else i mean all i do if i put it in hindi is "khursi garam" i mean i have not seen a site nor seen what actually happens at a site all i am doing is co ordination i guess someone not an engg too who sits here can get it done. an if we talk about money, baby i have no idea where on earth have i spent the 1 lac plus i dont know how muach i have earned has gone.. :) funny right even i am amused..

Anyway its been almost 3 and 1/2 months that rimpa has gone and it really seems like hell that she aint here i sleep alone at nights now, somehow its empty even if i try hard to mingle and mix , go home late, drink, dv everything but that bloody hollow feelings just keeps growing, come back rimpu, miss u yaar..

talking about downs toh ppl got hurt because of me, a lot of my decisions maybe they were wrong but i think it will prove right some years down the line, when u cant live with something for all ur life it makes no sense in carrying it. but i am sorry to have decided on my own without taking consensus.

another down was hemant, he really let the frndship down i mean how cud he, fine u got married no issues but when he knew there are problems he should have atleast made it a point to come down and meet, i guess he too must be thinking the same, lets see how 2009 and what 2009 brings to our frndship.

well this year ipsita called brought back a lot of old memories, then came shilpa, and it killed me, cant belive the man i was with for a long time i never knew him funny na... anyways he too must have had a shocker when he got to know that i was involved too....to be honest i really did not want all this to happen to him i mean his life he wants it he takes it his way, had i been in ipsita's place i wud have maybe not called me cause after she spoke to his parents i wud have stopped. anyways to each his own......

hmmm lots of things happening which i dont know about which i dont know why and wat will happen, i am just walking the path somewhere i know i am gonna have a big fall maybe i wont be able to handle it but still i am walking the path, as they say when u have to choose between 2 paths choose the one where u havent walked before i choose it a nameless a faceless path wonder will will i end up...... hope it ends in a positive manner but to be honest not really epecting anything i mean its the expectations that screw things up......

anyways hope this new years brings about positive vibes in everyones life hope it makes a brighter year for everyone, and yes hope the nameless faceless situtations turns into something for better for worst st least something.............

:) :)